My new boyfriend loves to have oral sex with me, and puts his tongue in my rectum. Because I have always thought my behind is for waste only, I feel uncomfortable – but have not told him yet. One night he put his finger in; although it was uncomfortable at first, it felt okay afterwards.
He is now asking me about having anal intercourse. I have refused, but I don’t want to lose him. He says I’ll enjoy it as all my nerve endings are behind there. But I’m not so sure. Should I let him ? Won’t it be painful ?
It is important to be honest with your boyfriend about how you feel. There’s no point in exchanging body fluids with someone, but being too shy to talk to them when sharing intimate moments.
You should not, however, do anything to please him and not yourself. Spell out all your worries and fears and, if he cannot accept your decision not to do it, then you know what sort of chap he really is. If he doesn’t respect your wishes, tries to pressurise or force you into doing it – or threatens to leave you if you don’t do it – let him go; he’s a bully and it’s not you he wants. He only wants to use your body.
If you don’t give consent and he goes ahead, he will be committing two criminal offences – rape and buggery – as anal sex is illegal in many countries, one of which is Barbados.
Your feelings are completely understandable because the ‘gut’ is a grubby area and anilingus (anal licking) does carry realistic risks for both parties. For example, if he has oral Herpes, you could catch it anally; and if you had it, he could easily catch Hepatitis A this way.
Quite apart from the risk of catching Hepatitis A, there is a very common ‘gut bug’ – a bacteria called E-Coli, that he might get which could give him an upset tummy that would possibly make him feel as if he has food poisoning. The bottom line: bowel organisms are fine in the gut, but when they move to unexpected areas, they can spread and cause a few nasty problems.
Having said that though, the anus is one of our erogenous pleasure zones packed with sensitive nerve ends, as he said. Anal foreplay is quite different from anal penetration. Gentle anal foreplay can be made safer by him putting a well-lubricated condom or latex glove over his finger before insertion. He could use a latex or polyurethane barrier before licking your anal area to protect his mouth and your skin, yet still give you pleasure, sexually. The more the anus is stretched, the more chance there is of the skin tearing and causing discomfort.
Anal sex may be pleasurable at the time, but afterwards there may be discomfort and possibly a bit of constipation caused by the fear of pain while opening your bowels.
If you decide to consent to anal sex, it is important to take it VERY slowly. Use a lot of water-based or silicone (condom friendly) lubricant to assist entry, and at all times ensure he correctly wears a condom. Unless you are able to relax your anal sphincter sufficiently to allow gentle entry, it may be painful.
It is also extremely important NOT to go from having anal sex to vaginal sex with the same condom. Either change condoms, or go from vaginal penetration to anal with the same condom if you consent to anal sex. Anal sex is widely practiced heterosexually as a form of contraception, BUT it is still possible for a woman to get pregnant from anal sex if this occurs at the fertile time of the month, if sperm gets into her fertile mucus. Once the sperm gets into that, they are on their way.