My boyfriend is married but still insists on having sex without a condom

My boyfriend is married but insists on having sex with me without a condom. I know he hardly has relations with his wife, but I feel I need to protect myself just in case. Though I’m sure she doesn’t have any disease, I’m worried about getting silent viruses – the type you get without any immediate signs. Could you advise on these and suggest what warning signs I should look for to know if he has anything or not – B


Dear B


I totally and utterly agree with you. A condom is a MUST in this situation as much as any other. To hang with what he says, you know you are not the only lover in his life. He wants to have his cake and eat it. 

Any man who insists on not using a condom in this day and age, particularly in an area where HIV is almost endemic, is mad beyond belief. 

More to the point, I suspect he hasn’t really got much of a clue how to use them! 

You said it ‘he hardly has relations with his wife’ – but, how do you know that for sure? He’s probably at it like a rabbit at home and wants to be a Buck away from home, too. 

Even if he’s telling you the truth… you still say ‘hardly’ – that’s not never… and how do you, or he, know she hasn’t got another lover and that she’s at it all over town when he’s not around? You don’t. He doesn’t. 

He’s playing away, so why shouldn’t she be? 

He’s a first rate fool to assume she isn’t, hasn’t or couldn’t and he’s potentially putting your life at risk each and every time he enters you without a condom. 

How can he honestly expect you to enjoy having unprotected sex with him in this situation? He’s rather an idiot for thinking you do or will. 

If he wants you to enjoy making love with him, he should have the decency to look after you completely. 

Sorry if I sound angry or upset for you… but I am. 

He’s a cheat at heart and there’s no way you can be sure you’re not the only ‘other woman’ or indeed person in general, in his life. He may be one of the many men who deny being bisexual while having sex with other men but because their wife is patiently waiting for them at home, they label themselves heterosexual. 

OOoooh, he’s annoying me. No condom, No sex from now on, please B.

AS for what to look out for… the first sign is nothing at all! That’s the scariest thing of all and he could be carrying any of the 25 sexual infections without showing any outward signs or symptoms. The more obvious signs for men include pain on passing urine, penile discharge, pain on ejaculation, blood in semen, painful testicles, fever and flu-like symptoms. 

Some infections produce a rash and others watery blistery sores – indeed anyone with a genital ulcer disease should be screened for syphilis since this is on the increase again. 

Blistery sores suggest herpes. Rash suggests syphilis. Inflammation could be something simple like balanitis or inflammation of the glans penis, often caused by thrush or yeast infection, though in men in this region, I would want HIV to be ruled out as an underlying cause. Basically, B,  he is playing with you, and potentially your life. You are worth more. You have the upper hand in this relationship if only you can see it. 

Stand your ground. No condom. No Sex. Keep safe. Make no assumptions.

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