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Am I gay or bisexual?

Am I gay or bisexual? 

Is there anyway you can tell if you’re bisexual or gay ? I need to know because I find I have strong feelings about some men I meet. I admire their strong bodies, often look at their crotch to see if they are well-endowed and, if they’re good looking or have nice lips, I sometimes daydream about kissing them. But I have never been with a man, or have never been approached by one sexually.

The thing is, I’m a ladies man. Women throw themselves at me all the time and I don’t refuse. So why should I have these fantasies ? 

You didn’t state your age to guide me, but it is perfectly normal to have fantasies about the same sex while you go through puberty – and even during later life. Fantasising about something or someone is different from doing something about it.

There are theories that human sexuality is on a continuum and any of us could change sexual preference throughout our life, once, twice or more times. Many people are firmly heterosexual and never feel any other way. However, other people are attracted to members of their own sex and choose to do something about it (or don’t resist) when someone approaches them sexually. This may be from curiosity to experiment, or a desire to be with someone from the same sex.

It is normal to admire the body of another if is in good condition. I am sure everyone reading this would admit they look at the body of someone who is not in such good condition, too. Perhaps they aren’t looking with sexual fantasies, but they do look. Again, looking is not doing.

Sometimes men who have repressed homosexual feelings, which you may be describing,, do just as you mention. Out of fear of their feelings they over-compensate by throwing themselves into a copious number of short term heterosexual relationships and are particularly vocal against homosexuality. Others learn to accept themselves.

Bisexuality is extremely common the world over. However, it is a big taboo area in many societies and those involved go through enormous emotional trauma and fear of being ‘found out’, and possibly blackmailed about it until they feel able to ‘come out’ and face others’ reactions.

This is a particularly real fear in countries where homosexuality or male bisexuality is illegal. Being deemed illegal doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. What it does mean is that many people miss out on education regarding their sexual health if they cannot ask intimate questions and learn how to keep themselves safe with their partner of whichever gender they are at the time, because they are too scared to ask.

One vital thing, if you ever do partake of a same sex relationship and continue having sexual relationships with women, please be man enough to tell the women. 

And, DO NOT, under any circumstances, have unprotected oral or anal sex with a man, then have vaginal (anal or oral) sex with a woman without using a condom correctly and consistently at all times.

Your female lover may be upset to be told the truth, but every woman deserves to know the truth about her partner’s sexual fluidity to make an informed choice about having penetrative sex with him (again) – or not. She may be prepared to accept the situation – or she may not. You stand less risk of losing her ultimate friendship if you are honest, than if you deceive her. After all, just think how you would feel if you were she and the tables were turned. 

Helen

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Site owner: Author of Sexplained Books – Nurse Specialist in Contraception and Sexual Health, UK

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